The Identical Twin

 What's up Blogger? I am back in here after for-ever..that is like few years ago..well, not really..just strolling around in the -online- world. Plus, I've got like tonnes job and deadline to catch up with. I won't write long or stay here just for a sec. I'm going to be really short. This is not me, this is my identical twin. We look so alike that people couldn't differentiate us. I'm still collecting my adventure for the mean time, don't really have much yet now. i will write here once I'm done with them. I want to collect as many as I could, of course, with precaution taken along the road. I've got so many plans, just don't know how and when will I implement it. 

I'm listening to a lot of radio now, doze off the television. I don't have one in my apartment. Yeah, I rent a small apartment inside my school. Well, we call it the "quarters" here. I live along together with my housemate, a new teacher in my school. And yeah, it sucks, but I'm single. It's funny but i get jealous sometimes when I heard that most of my friends settles down. Me? Am I being choosy? No, I don't think so. Maybe I scared guys off. I don't know. It seems like I'm too demanding from what it sounds. 

Why the hell am I telling about my personal life in here? Screw me..I just feel want to. Gotta go, it's my cue..chaow..

When life take something from you

Simplicity is a name I give to myself. I like being simple, most of the time, yet,still fashionable where the occasion needs me. But, overall, I am a simple girl. My dream is simple yet still impossible. I don't have much talent except being a crazy person. Ermm, I would say myself as a little naughty in the inside. I love doing crazy stuff.

What's happen in my life? As usual, almost all teenagers found themselves caught in web of trials and tribulation, me, went through the same thing. Just a slight different from any other teenagers out there. Well, we have our own story, didn't we? So, what? I don't give a damn care about it. Life can be a whole lot of bitch but the view is great.

I'm still grateful with I have now and the most important thing is I'm still breathing. I still believe in what I believe in no matter how people gonna say that I am ridiculous to hold on to what I believe in. They can go to hell with what they think about me, but, I'm gonna stand still. I still believe that true and pure love is still exist. Men just have to figure it out!!..go, do some homework with it.

I want to be a writer, a free one..I want to write anything I want  to write..that's why it is called writing. But, my idea always went in and out..never got solid in my mind. I guess my brain doesn't work really well a lot of time. I like to write inspirational ideas, flowing out from my own experience, from others stories, from what I've learnt from people around me. Yes, human being really taught me a lot about life. I wish one day I can go back to where I belong.

My feeling : empty, sad, bitter, frustrated..with someone special? yes, i'm arguing with God..I am worry about my mom condition, my heads gonna blow up anytime. Felt so empty, as if  I don't felt anything. My mom still in the hospital, battling with her diabetes. Sometimes, I got really angry with the situation. I always wonder and question God : my mom is a nice, good person, why does this have to happen to her? I've just finish weeping thinking the situation has put her in. I cannot control my tears every time I think about her. Of how she treated people nicely but in the end, no one really appreciate her. All those years that she went through by herself in her sadness, loneliness and frustration, she doesn't show it to us but I understand what she has gone through those years. And the night I depart from her, it really torn me down, I wept into tears. I couldn't see her face and just leave her like that. I felt as if my life was taken away from me. She keeps on nagging my brother to take her to the other side of the hospital. I just walk and not turning around because I can bear the feelings being apart from her while she is still sick.

I'm sorry mom for not being able to be there and take care of you when you need us the most. Forgive me for not being a good daughter when I suppose to be one. I will always pray for you and that God will always keep you under His care. Deep in my heart, I love you so much,mom.

Talking to the Moon

I've been talking to the moon for too long...it's like forever...am still doing it up until now..changing my course, but every time i failed..i really want to..i wish i had that guts, courage and strength, unfortunately i ended up the same way i did in the past.Sometimes, I really wish I can turn back the time so I won't do the stupid mistakes like this. I thought that's the end for me, it wasn't. My journey is still far away, and ahead of me. I'm still figuring out myself..Maybe I didn't know myself very well. A lot of figuring will occur. Right now, my head doesn't function very well, with the overdose thinking pills and tense yellow bombers inside my system. I just want to rest a while from this life, I need it. I'm not sure how long I'm gonna take but this is important for me. Go away tense, go away confusion. I need and I want to be alone for a while, to retreat myself. Looking for the "me" that I long for all this while.



I can't let others bully me once more. I've had enough, I don't want to be a loser. I must stand for myself. Those people who wants to go away from my life, I don't want to bother so much, let them be, because it is just not my style to push people to stay by my side. But, I will fight for those people who have the right to stay and because I want them to stay. I'm not chasing people, I'm just fighting for them because I don't want to let people who are precious, important in my life to go away.

I'm going to die...I don't know when, I just know I will. And before I die, I don't want to left this world with regrets. Regrets of not doing things I want to do, telling things I should tell, admitting matter I should admit. People might won't understand me, but, I believe that God always understand me, He knows why I did what I did. I don't need other people to understand me, it is enough that God alone.


Honestly, there are several things left that I want to do..I want to love someone. Right before I left this world, I want to love someone, I want to be with someone, I want to marry someone, I want to build my miniature church with someone. And with someone God has placed for me. That's the only thing left that I really want to do. I don't have such a huge heart like others.But there is always space for love somewhere inside.

Stop being a selfish

Stop from being a selfish person. It struck me right through my heart. After reading one of my friend's blog, I suddenly felt a touch in my heart. Stop being a selfish, Ayung. Stop thinking that you're the only person in this world who have that problem. Stop thinking about yourself, learn to give much more than you take from others. The worst thing happen in your life is when you fail to give and receive a lot from others. 

Blaming others and hating them is not what God want you to be in your life. Start anew and love others much more than they love you. Forget what wrong people have done to you, take it as a lesson, for you to be more mature and brave. Yeah, but I just can't stand some people.

Especially those who take advantage of our sweetness and kindness. Those people who build their hall of fame on others fall. These species need to be withdrawn from this planet and extinct. I experience all this type of people, whole my life. I just can't stand them. If I got a 9mm in my hand, I'll shoot them in the head. 

Anyway, I don't want my blood pressure to rise, so I'm gonna stop here. Chao!!

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

                                                                                                                                                       Leading a new life as a single person. Give me strength, O Lord to face this world with the support and encouragement from the people around me. 

Receive an email from a long-lost friend that really miss me. She miss me a lot that she reminds me to buy her present for her 30th birthday. 
Dear friend, If i'm still breathing on your 30th birthday, certainly, I will give you the birthday present you ask for. And Lord, tag this as my important mission.


I have another important mission this year. To really meet 'THE ONE'..Lord, I'm not rushing into it. I know You have Your own time to introduce me to him.. hehhehee..And i really can't imagine who's that man would be..Just wondering though.

Today, this period cramp really got into me. It distract my emotion, activity and my job. I couldn't do anything straight and in good manner. I mean, I have to do them slowly as the pain is excruciating and killing me inside.

A lot of work to be done, I don't know if i can finish it tonight. I really want to finish it..put my whole heart and effort into it.

Star-gazing tonight? No, there's no star tonight. The sky is dark and gloomy..as it is in my heart now..huargghhhhh....

Danza Kuduro

It's been a few weeks. But, hell,no..i'm not leaving this page. I'm here till the end. This blog is the only free-media and strictly no public social network log book for me. I can write anything in here without everyone's knowing eventhough my followers might interested of what I'm writing inside here. I guess I'm not that much attraction to other people.

Ok, been listening to a lot of music recently and Terry is still my Scottish rockstar. Had just listen to Let It Be by him in the Semi Finals few days ago. That's why I'm very fond of English man, they never fail me. I'm not being discriminate others here. Just saying.

The photo above is me (on the right) and Helen (my friend) during our weekend trip to Brunei. Yeah, spending weekend in my place where I work is not much interesting except for the tranquil and harmony environment they offer. A small town, I would say.

Danza Kuduro is a song introduce to me by a friend. And been listening to it every morning for my exercise session. yeah, I did shake some hips..LOL..Nothing important and too emotional event occur this few weeks. Still seeking adventure ahead. Life is boring when it is monotonous.

I want to quarell (been a long time since....). I don't want just to live my life very typical. At least, until the day of my death. Because, if it is too monotonous, I don't have any story to tell to my children. And it is boring.

Should I go and do crazy stuff with my buddies? Yes, I should.. Still thinking what crazy stuff we should do in this freaking holiday. But, yeah, we break the rules this year. Driving other's car without even telling where we are going, that's one, even though its minor. It is like we are car theft. After all, I still have few years before I turn 30, so I really don't want to waste time. And you know what, people are saying the right fact. When u did crazy stuff, you are the craziest of yourself. I admit it. I kinda feel the excitement. Really, it's hard to find crazy friends as you're getting older. 

I think that's enough with the craziness I wrote in here. Till I come again..

Dear God

                                                             Dear God

When a lot of them think that I pictured a good image, there are so little of them knew what actually happened. Zero of them. Dear God, I don't want to feel discourage but that is exactly what I'm feeling right now. Will i ever get over of what had occurred? 

I know that it is not good to dwell too long in your past, but what if it haunted you all along? I'm not talking about past relationship here, just some story that I couldn't share with other people other than myself. Yeah, not even the person I trust the most. 

It's my fault though back then. And I never being able to forgive myself for that reason. Up until today. Maybe that's why I keep holding myself back to get really attach in a relationship. I'm still afraid. This endless fear, I don't know where it will end. Dear God, the only thing I ask from You is to hold me very tight..